Sunday, January 11, 2009
i always give in to my superstitious thought, and my own fear.
and again, i trap myself in my own "what if" situation.
just an eye twitch, just a broken bracelet, just a windy day,just.. and all these could have easily tensed me up.make me so uptight, and breathless.
i know, this is all none other than thought distortion, i should have challenged and defeated them with ease. but somehow, i just happen to get myself to believe that, things are not that simple.
okay. whatever. i shouldnt, shouldnt shouldnt.
time to develop another skill to challenge those distorted thoughts. CBT would work, i guess
Had visited my CfCs patient's family today.
just like the very beginning, i had always thought Melissa had got a very good family support, a very strong indeed.
everyone got teary, dabbing eyes in between.
It had been for the past 2 years, and just when we had completed the last theme, Melissa had passed away.
i felt my heart gave a kick when i walked past her room, she was no longer there. her smiling face, her waving.and just about her.
i remembered the very last time we met up, was during the hari raya when 4 of us made a visit, and we sang her lots of song, and she enjoyed most of them, esp the "kau Ilhamku", she murmured along with the rhythm of the song.
I thought the "kak long" has been the strongest in the family, until we talked today, she went into tears, and sighed that her youngest sister just didnt get to enjoy the zaman remaja like most of us.
when she saw anyone the same age as her sister, she thought her sister could be like one of them. but somehow, this incurable disease just picked her.
they had somehow not sensed this would come so fast, yet, talking about what had taken place lately, they thought somehow, somewhere, those were hidden hints god sent. the gut feeling.
When Makcik talked about the last conversation she had with Melissa before she passed away, she held her hands, and whispered to her ears, as if to let her know, they were letting go of her.
Makcik was calm when she said that, but somehow, we could just sense that her heart ached so much, beating like the waves hit the shores, so swift which kept coming back and forth.
i dont know. i felt odd today. it was this heavy feeling. a feeling of uneasiness. a feeling of overwhelming stress that builds out so abruptly. i sighed too much i guess.
whatever, i know i will be fine tomorrow. the sun cant wait to rise up, and i will be my old self again.
yeah. i am feeling a bit blue today. a bit emo. a bit. in fact a lot.
okok. whatever. life is indeed uncertain, only death is certain. what you think?
i need a good rest today.
***thanks for your sms. thanks for your concern. i will be doing fine. you could offer yourself as a sandbag for me to kick, and release my stress=) btw, i still havent got my coleslaw, and wedges. now everything is so clear, it's bcoz i dont get to eat those stuffs that make me so grumpy today.
Y7:13 AM
